As I've said in a couple blog posts and during the dinners, I have a big heart for people. I want people--child or adult--to feel loved, heard, and wanted. I found myself denying my class and other kids at my site one of my greatest gifts. I found myself to be a bit more stoic and colder toward the kids than I normally am in my everyday life. Instead of allowing my compassion and easy-goingness flow out of me, I feel I was more rigid.
It's hard to pin point exactly why I acted in this way, but it is almost like a reflex. A survival tactic, if you will. Because of my strong sense of love for people, I can sometimes feel overwhelmed with how to express it in a way that the other will appreciate. So instead of acting on it, I shut down. I feel in many instances with the kids, I would "shut down" and wasn't totally myself.
I can actually be pretty silly and goofy as well, but I feel I didn't show enough of this side of me either. I'll spare you the details of 'why' for the sake of not wanting to ramble on too much and make this post too long. However, I do feel as though my kids could have benefited if I did reveal that part of me more.
Nonetheless, I am intentionally making the effort to learn to be more comfortable with having a big heart and wearing said big heart on my sleeve.
It was definitely a difficult summer. Admittedly, there were some days I did not want to get out of bed in the morning for work and days where I wasn't totally mentally checked into my class. But there indeed were days that were less stressful and I felt confident in my "counselor/inter" abilities. And though I feel I was not 100% myself during the camp, there are no regrets, just lessons learned and mental notes taken to help me later on.
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